Many years ago, when I was just a young man, I experienced the first pang of yearning for love. But, as a shy, to-myself-person, I wasn't conditioned to open myself up to another person and allow that level of vulnerability to show. In a sense, I was a clam, holding everything inside at the notion of possible danger. So, to combat the blossoming feelings and the overwhelming sense of defeat I was feeling, I turned to poetry. I turned to the one thing I could rely on to keep a secret that would never be revealed to the light of day.
Crushes came, and eventually, they found their way out again. At first, there were a few interests in women, but then it became known to myself that women weren't my sole interest. Of course, some guys have a sexual identity that suddenly springs itself on everyone else before they, themselves, actually become aware of it. Others, they come to know their sexuality and embrace or reject it. I was more of a toss-up than I'd like to admit. While I knew I wasn't straight, I was homegrown on the notion that men were men, women were women, and same-sex relationships didn't exist. I also grew up during the political climate of the late 90s, early 2000s where homosexuality really got raked through the mud, and same-sex marriage was slipping further out of reach. It was during those early years that I allowed the idea of marriage, of future relationships, of love, to dissipate from my mind. I would fall in love with a woman, love her as much as she loved me, and probably have a family - the so-called American Dream, right?
No. Not even close.
I wouldn't come to accept myself for being gay until years later, while I was in the midst of my teens and flailing miserably. I wanted to date, and to have a relationship that was on par with the great loves I'd read about in books - the kind of love that made you feel enthralled and surrounded with warm-fuzzy-whatever. Even if I deprived myself of the simplicities of life, I still developed an overly attached mindset that Love, and that is the big "L", was all-powerful and could move mountains.
This classical, simply innocence would become the lure that was cast into the dating pool. Unfortunately, this fishing expedition began when I was only thirteen, which allowed me to make choices on my own. As someone who was, and can still be, very moody having the ability to choose for myself was both a blessing and a huge curse. The first relationship I ever had was, dare I say, the worst thing I could have ever experienced. It lasted six months, six long months, and he was the worst guy I could have ever interacted with. But, unfortunately, homosexuality is hallmarked by premature rites of passage, whether we signed up for them or not. Granted, that sounds bitter. I'm not bitter about being gay, I'm bitter about the very inept man who decided it was a great idea to manipulate and try to control a moody, needy teen. If my first relationship could ever serve anything, I hope it would serve as this: Learn to be yourself first because relationships are not guaranteed to last forever, and if you don't know who you are then you'll have to pick up that lesson and learn it later in life. And believe me, that makes growing up to be difficult.
Once you learn who you are, then that should be the time that dating and relationships are easier to navigate. You should always know how comfortable you are with boundaries because every healthy relationship needs them in order to function properly. And knowing yourself helps to identify problems, and solutions, later on in life. If you know you, then your partner will know you. And it should be vice versa. If not, we can only hope for a partner that is loving enough to help us grow into who we want to be, or who we want to become. Life should never have an end of growth. It should be a continual, thriving landscape.
Warmest Regards,
Brandon
Crushes came, and eventually, they found their way out again. At first, there were a few interests in women, but then it became known to myself that women weren't my sole interest. Of course, some guys have a sexual identity that suddenly springs itself on everyone else before they, themselves, actually become aware of it. Others, they come to know their sexuality and embrace or reject it. I was more of a toss-up than I'd like to admit. While I knew I wasn't straight, I was homegrown on the notion that men were men, women were women, and same-sex relationships didn't exist. I also grew up during the political climate of the late 90s, early 2000s where homosexuality really got raked through the mud, and same-sex marriage was slipping further out of reach. It was during those early years that I allowed the idea of marriage, of future relationships, of love, to dissipate from my mind. I would fall in love with a woman, love her as much as she loved me, and probably have a family - the so-called American Dream, right?
No. Not even close.
I wouldn't come to accept myself for being gay until years later, while I was in the midst of my teens and flailing miserably. I wanted to date, and to have a relationship that was on par with the great loves I'd read about in books - the kind of love that made you feel enthralled and surrounded with warm-fuzzy-whatever. Even if I deprived myself of the simplicities of life, I still developed an overly attached mindset that Love, and that is the big "L", was all-powerful and could move mountains.
This classical, simply innocence would become the lure that was cast into the dating pool. Unfortunately, this fishing expedition began when I was only thirteen, which allowed me to make choices on my own. As someone who was, and can still be, very moody having the ability to choose for myself was both a blessing and a huge curse. The first relationship I ever had was, dare I say, the worst thing I could have ever experienced. It lasted six months, six long months, and he was the worst guy I could have ever interacted with. But, unfortunately, homosexuality is hallmarked by premature rites of passage, whether we signed up for them or not. Granted, that sounds bitter. I'm not bitter about being gay, I'm bitter about the very inept man who decided it was a great idea to manipulate and try to control a moody, needy teen. If my first relationship could ever serve anything, I hope it would serve as this: Learn to be yourself first because relationships are not guaranteed to last forever, and if you don't know who you are then you'll have to pick up that lesson and learn it later in life. And believe me, that makes growing up to be difficult.
Once you learn who you are, then that should be the time that dating and relationships are easier to navigate. You should always know how comfortable you are with boundaries because every healthy relationship needs them in order to function properly. And knowing yourself helps to identify problems, and solutions, later on in life. If you know you, then your partner will know you. And it should be vice versa. If not, we can only hope for a partner that is loving enough to help us grow into who we want to be, or who we want to become. Life should never have an end of growth. It should be a continual, thriving landscape.
Warmest Regards,
Brandon
Comments
Post a Comment